can u get pink eye on your cock?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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