she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Randomize
