Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
