im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
where does the pee come out of this thing
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
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