I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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