Small penises have feelings too.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
