EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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