I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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