I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
