I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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