Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
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