Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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