It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
