god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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