My Higher Power is John Stamos
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
