Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
