Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He? As in you personified your dick?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
