1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
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