remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
