i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
