So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Randomize
