I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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