remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
