just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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