I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
