i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
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