he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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