that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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