3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
