i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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