You can't motorboat a personality
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I deserve this hangover.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
