Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
so much tequila, so little girl.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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