i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I love how my cats smell like pot.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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