youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
