How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
