My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
