I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
