I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
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