your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Randomize
