I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
soo... how was my night?
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