My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
