I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
he laminated a picture of his dick.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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