I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
