i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
