I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Randomize
