i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
