so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
