I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
