don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
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