I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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