party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I wish they made helmets for livers.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
